Grief after losing a loved one: how it can feel like anxiety or depression, three ways to ground yourself, and what culturally responsive grief therapy can offer
Yesterday, you made it through the day. You laughed at something. You answered emails. You may have even thought, I think I am doing better.
Today, something shifted. A song, a smell, a date on the calendar, an empty chair, or nothing you can name at all, and the weight is back.
If this sounds familiar, please hear this first: you are not going backward. You are grieving.
Grief does not move in a straight line
Many of us were taught that grief moves through five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Those stages came from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's work with people who were dying, not people who were grieving. And near the end of her life, in On Grief and Grieving, she made clear the stages were never meant to be a straight line you walk from start to finish.
When researchers followed grieving adults through the first two years after a loss, what showed up most was not denial or anger. It was acceptance, and right alongside it, yearning: that deep ache of missing someone. If you know that ache, you are not alone.
Grief researchers Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut put words to something many of us live but rarely name: healthy grieving moves back and forth. Some moments, you turn toward the loss and feel all of it. Other moments, you turn toward life: work, family, dinner, rest. That back-and-forth, breaks included, is not avoidance. It is how people cope. So "I was okay yesterday, but I am not okay today" is not a failure. It is often what grief looks like.
Grief is not only about death
We grieve the loss of loved ones. We also grieve friendships that ended, marriages and relationships that changed, jobs we gave our hearts to, the pets who shared our homes, our health, our homeland, and the futures we imagined.
Some of these losses go unseen by the people around us. Grief expert Kenneth Doka has a name for this: disenfranchised grief, grief for a loss that is not openly acknowledged, mourned, or supported. When no one else recognizes the loss, it is easy to feel you have no right to grieve it.
Your loss does not need anyone's permission to be real.
And grief does not always arrive as tears. It can show up as exhaustion, irritability, forgetfulness, numbness, a tight chest, a short temper, difficulty praying, or an urge to stay busy every waking hour. Everyone grieves differently. There is no correct way to carry it.
This is not just comforting language. It is what the research shows. When researchers followed people from before the death of a spouse to a year and a half after, they found several distinct ways of grieving. For some, grief ran long and heavy. The most common path was steadier. There is no single right way to grieve, and how grief looks on the outside is never a measure of how much someone loved.
Grief, anxiety, and depression: when they overlap
Grief can feel like anxiety. A racing heart, trouble sleeping, worry that something else will be taken, or a constant sense of being on edge can all be part of grieving. Grief can also feel like depression. Sadness, low energy, loss of appetite, pulling away from people, and finding little joy in what once mattered are common after losing a loved one.
Grief is not a disorder. It is a natural response to loss. But for some people, grief stays intense long after the loss and makes daily life hard to carry. In 2022, the American Psychiatric Association recognized this as prolonged grief disorder, a diagnosis that is only considered once at least a year has passed since the death. Research also shows it is distinct from depression and anxiety, even when they show up together.
Grief, anxiety, and depression can sit side by side, and each can make the others heavier. If the weight is not easing, if daily life feels unmanageable, or if you are unsure whether what you are feeling is grief, anxiety, depression, or all three, a licensed mental health clinician can help you sort through it with care.
Can we SHIFT our journey with grief?
Not by getting over it. Grief is not a problem to be solved or a feeling to be removed. Grief reflects the bond and the love that remain. What we can do is find ways to stay grounded, so that on the hard days, we have somewhere to stand while the wave moves through. The three practices below are not meant to make grief leave. They are meant to help you hold it.
1. Name the day honestly, without judging it
When a hard day arrives, try saying it plainly, to yourself or to someone you trust: "Today is a heavy grief day."
Not "I should be past this." Not "What is wrong with me?" Just the truth of the day.
Naming the day honestly gives grief a place to land instead of turning it into self-criticism. It also reminds you that a heavy day is one day, not a verdict on your whole journey. Yesterday was real. Today is real. Both belong to you.
A gentle invitation: Ask yourself, "What does this day need from me?" Some days call for rest. Some call for company. Some call for simply getting through the next hour. Let the answer be small.
2. Come back to your body and the present moment
Grief often pulls us into the past (what happened, what we wish we had said) or the future (how we will go on without them). Grounding brings you back to the only place you can actually breathe: right here.
Try one of these when the weight rises:
Place both feet on the floor and notice the ground holding you.
Let your exhale be slower than your inhale for a few breaths.
Notice five things you can see, four you can touch, and three you can hear.
Hold something with texture or warmth: a cup of tea, a blanket, a stone, a piece of their clothing.
The purpose is not to push the feeling away. It is to remind your body that you are here, safe in this moment, and that you can feel this without being swept away by it.
3. Stay connected: to them, to others, and to what sustains you
For a long time, the advice was to "let go" and move on. In 1996, grief scholars Dennis Klass, Phyllis Silverman, and Steven Nickman challenged that idea in Continuing Bonds, with research showing that staying connected to the people we have lost is common and can be part of healthy grieving.
Many of our families and cultures have always known this. We speak their names. We cook their recipes. We keep their photographs on the wall. We tell the stories at the table. We pray for them, keeping them in our hearts.
Connection can look like:
Saying their name out loud, or writing them a letter.
Keeping a ritual that honors them: a song, a dish, a place, a prayer.
Letting one trusted person know, "Today is hard. I do not need you to fix it. I need you to know."
Returning to what grounds you spiritually, whether that is prayer, scripture, worship, nature, or quiet.
You do not have to choose between remembering and living. You can carry both.
Grief is cultural, and your care should be too
We do not grieve in a vacuum. Our families, our faith, our language, our history, and the traditions passed down to us shape how we mourn. In many Black American churches and families, a loved one is sent home through a homegoing service, a Christian funeral tradition that celebrates the return to a heavenly home, often followed by a gathering where family and friends share a meal and remember together. Across many cultures, grief also lives in songs and prayers, in the elders who carry the stories, and in rituals that keep our loved ones present.
Culturally responsive grief care honors all of that. It means working with a therapist who understands that your traditions, your faith, and your way of remembering are strengths, not symptoms. It means you do not have to explain or defend how your family grieves before you can begin to be heard.
For some people, that means seeking out a Black therapist or a therapist who shares their cultural background. For others, it means finding a clinician who is trained in culturally responsive care and willing to learn their story on its own terms. Either way, you deserve care that sees the whole of who you are.
What grief therapy can offer
Grief therapy is not designed to make you stop grieving or to rush you toward "closure." Its purpose is to give your grief a safe, unhurried place to be seen, understood, and honored.
Many grief therapists draw on psychologist J. William Worden's four tasks of mourning: accepting that the loss is real, feeling the pain, adjusting to a world without the person, and finding a lasting connection with them as you keep living. These are not boxes to check in order. You return to them, again and again, over time.
In grief therapy, you can:
Tell the story of your loss at your own pace, to someone trained to listen without judgment or a timeline.
Honor the relationship, including the love, the complexity, and the things left unsaid.
Make sense of grief that others may not recognize, such as the loss of a job, a relationship, a pet, a home, or an identity.
Notice how grief is living in your body, sleep, relationships, and faith, and find ways to care for yourself within it.
Explore meaning, rituals, and cultural or spiritual traditions that help you remain connected to what and who you have lost.
Learn to move between grieving and living, without guilt on the days you laugh, and without shame on the days you cannot get out of bed.
A grief therapist does not take the grief away. They walk alongside you while you learn to carry it.
Frequently asked questions about grief
Is it normal to feel okay one day and not okay the next?
Yes. Grief researchers describe grieving as a back-and-forth movement between facing the loss and engaging with daily life. Good days followed by hard days are a common part of grief, not a sign of going backward.
Do the five stages of grief happen in order?
Not necessarily. The stages came from Kübler-Ross's work with people who were dying, and she later made clear they were never meant to be a straight line. Research with grieving adults found that acceptance and yearning showed up most often. Many people move through grief in waves, out of order, or in ways no stage describes.
Can grief cause anxiety or depression?
It can feel that way. Grief can bring worry, restlessness, sadness, and low energy, and it can also occur alongside anxiety or depression. Prolonged grief disorder, recognized in 2022, is distinct from both. A licensed mental health clinician can help you make sense of what you are feeling.
Is it grief if I did not lose a person?
Yes. People grieve jobs, relationships, pets, health, homes, and the futures they imagined. Grief expert Kenneth Doka calls this disenfranchised grief: a loss others do not openly recognize. It is still grief, and it still deserves care.
What is culturally responsive grief therapy?
Culturally responsive grief therapy honors the role that culture, faith, family, and tradition play in how you grieve. It treats your rituals and ways of remembering as part of your strength, not as something to correct.
Does grief therapy make grief go away?
Grief therapy is not about erasing grief or rushing you toward closure. It offers a safe, unhurried space to tell the story of your loss, honor the relationship, and learn to carry grief alongside your life.
You do not have to carry this alone
If today is one of the hard days, you are not behind, and you are not broken. You are grieving something or someone who mattered.
At SHIFT Your Journey®, our clinicians offer culturally responsive therapy via telehealth, in a space where your story, culture, and way of grieving are respected.
If you are in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, please call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (United States), or call 911.
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About the Author
This article was written and reviewed by the clinical team at SHIFT Your Journey® Mental Health Counseling, PLLC — a multi-state telehealth group practice providing culturally responsive mental health care to individuals across Connecticut, Florida, Massachusetts, New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania, and Texas.
Disclaimer: The content of this article is provided for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to serve as a substitute for professional mental health evaluation, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this article does not establish a therapist-client relationship with SHIFT Your Journey® Mental Health Counseling, PLLC or any of its clinicians. While SHIFT Your Journey® makes reasonable efforts to ensure accuracy, this content reflects information available at the time of publication, may contain errors or omissions, and may not reflect later changes in research, guidelines, or referenced sources. No warranty is made as to its completeness or accuracy. Links to third-party websites are provided for convenience only; SHIFT Your Journey® does not control or endorse their content. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, please call or text 988 (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline), call 911, or go to your nearest emergency room.
The research behind this post
Want to go deeper? These are the sources this post draws on.
Kübler-Ross, On Death and Dying (1969)
Maciejewski et al., "An Empirical Examination of the Stage Theory of Grief," JAMA (2007)
Stroebe & Schut, "The Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement," Death Studies (1999)
Doka, Disenfranchised Grief: Recognizing Hidden Sorrow (1989), and his NPR interview (2021)
American Psychiatric Association, Prolonged Grief Disorder fact sheet, DSM-5-TR (2022)
Klass, Silverman & Nickman (Eds.), Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief (1996)